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Opinión: La pregunta de cajón

PhillyMag

“Waiting for a change to set us free.
Waiting for the day when you can be you and I can be me”

“¿Cuándo te volviste gay?” Es una pregunta que he respondido innumerables veces, cuando la curiosidad de mis amigos (y de algunas personas a quienes acababa de conocer) los ha llevado a interrogarme sobre varios aspectos de mi vida personal. Sé que muchos de ellos me lo preguntan en buena onda, sin ganas de molestarme ni mucho menos, si no con la intención de conocerme más y entender más acerca de la homosexualidad, un tema del que – afortunadamente – se habla cada vez más.

Y mi respuesta es siempre la misma, un discurso que tengo preparado y listo para declamar cuando me lo solicitan. Respondo que nunca hubo un momento en especial, que se trató de un proceso natural que se dio desde que era muy pequeño. Recuerdo de muy niño –a los 4 o 5 años– haber querido compartir unas galletas con un compañero de clase porque tenía muchas ganas de ser su amigo, o querer estar en el grupo de alguien en especial al momento de hacer trabajos en clase. Cosas de niños, momentos inocentes por el que toda persona heterosexual ha pasado y por el que todo homosexual, aunque muchos no lo crean, también.

Lo que sí recuerdo fue el momento en el que pensé “creo que soy gay”. Debo haber tenido 13 años y estaba en mi cama, tratando de dormir. Miraba el techo de mi cuarto porque mi ansiedad no me dejaba cerrar los ojos. Era la época en que los amigos empezaban cada vez más a hablar de chicas, a entrar a esas páginas web (de las que te obligaban a borrar el historial, pues en ese entonces la computadora estaba en la sala y la compartías con tu mamá, tu papá, tus hermanos y hasta el abuelito tecnológico). Y mis intereses no iban por ese lado, más bien por el opuesto.

Lo que sentí luego fue desesperación, un miedo profundo. “No puede ser, no puedo ser gay”, pensaba. Era como si me estuviera dando cuenta que mi vida había terminado, que no tendría opción de vivir de la manera que se supone cualquier hombre debería: esposa e hijos. Tener una familia es algo que anhelaba desde niño, vivir mi vida como mis padres lo hacían. Ser homosexual me anclaba, mutilaba esa ilusión. Y lo peor, estaba seguro que sería rechazado, pues ser gay era (y sigue siendo para muchos) algo malo, lo escuchaba de mi familia y profesores, y de mis amigos, quienes usaban el término como un insulto. Recuerdo haber llorado en silencio, echado en mi cama, mirando el techo.

Vinieron muchos años de silencio, de ocultar, de mentir a las personas que más me querían. De casi no distinguir entre el verdadero yo y el que presenté a todos quienes me conocían hasta que tuve 24 años (varios detalles los contaré más adelante, no pueden esperar que me quede sin material en mi primera publicación). No solo mentía sobre a quien me gustaría besar, sino hasta sobre la música que escuchaba o las películas que alquilaba, y hablo de comedias románticas, no especulen otras cosas… esas otras se veían en las cabinas de Internet.

Cuando converso con muchos amigos gays, todos tienen historias similares. De esconder, de vivir con vergüenza, de tener miedo. Mientras nuestros amigos tenían enamoradas, bromeaban entre ellos sobre que chica les gustaba y a quienes invitarían a salir; nosotros no hablábamos, no opinábamos, no experimentábamos ese aspecto de nuestras vidas.

Ahí viene mi pregunta de cajón, ¿no es momento de que esto termine? Ser gay no tiene porque darnos miedo. Ser gay no significa que tenemos que ser rechazados, y no imposibilita a nadie de obtener sus sueños, de llegar a sus metas. Ser gay no es algo malo.

Me hubiera encantado poder decirme eso esa noche en mi cama, pero me emociona la idea de que un día un niño o niña se va a dar cuenta de la dirección que toma su sexualidad y va a cerrar sus ojos y dormir. Sin lágrimas. Sin miedo.

Álvaro Álvarez
Comunicador con complejo de psicólogo. Experto en cultura pop, amante de la música, el cine y el teatro, y aficionado a contar historias.
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